Struggling

I feel like I am falling, drifting into a seemingly endless void.  Like my motivation and desire usually does, it comes in spurts, moments in time that I never want to end.  The creativity and momentum that I had has seemed to drain out of my fingertips with no recharge station to be found.  I need an adventure.  A mental break, something to stimulate my mind, prick at my neurons and convince me that I am, in fact, still alive.  I had a great weekend, and I don't know what is causing this feeling of helplessness, and I suppose I should be used to these emotional surges by now do to my constant shift in birth control due to problems with the previous.  I can't tell what normal feels like any more, not that I would ever be happy with normal.  I just wish I had one day where I could feel content, satisfied, not feeling like something was missing.

My love life is perfect.  My cats add great joy and frustration, but always bring something new to my day.  The food recently has been equisite.  But I still feel like there is something missing.  Maybe it's Star Island, maybe it's nature, but whatever it is, I need to find it.  If I lose my way with writing again, I worry I'll never be able to get it back.

The shallow dream

Gets me every time

The beauty of a dream

Bodes the heart and begs the crime

And here it is

Lost and alone

The shallow dream

Empty promises

and I let it lie

Two Years...

Barcelona, Spain - Two Years Ago

It's strange to think of how much can happen in two years... Even in one. Two years ago, about this time of year, I was still in Europe, probably around Rome, sick as a dog, wandering the streets, eating 10 times my weight in food to just stay awake. Walking with this guy that I knew I would probably never see again, though, at the time, I wanted to.

Since then... brief summary. I lived with my ex-boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend for the first semester of my senior year (and two other people). Somehow, I survived that drama fest. I got back together with on and off again guy from Los Angeles, and took a road trip with the guy I thought I'd never see again (Europe - ah, yes). Though, I didn't feel the same for him anymore, we remained good friends.

Moved to Los Angeles, became so homesick that I almost felt like giving up. My boyfriend couldn't handle me as the over-emotional person I am and gave me the boot. Worst time of my life being trapped in a city, knowing a handful of people that I have since grown apart from, and being completely and utterly... alone.

Graduated, drank entirely too much that week. Finally kissed the guy that I had crushed on for my entire college career - realized he wasn't a great a kisser. And after all that, came back to Los Angeles. Why? I don't know, but I am insanely happy with the move. Moved into a house, got some roommates, adopted a cat, worked at Barnes and Noble for a year, was diagnosed with pre-cancerous skin cells, got those removed, diagnosed with spinal arthritis, and through my meaningless coffee-serving day job, I met my current, and hopefully last (in a good way) beau.

Through the last two years of my life, I have never felt so isolated, I have never partied more, I have never been so scared, and I have never been so unfocused and lost. Was it worth it? Hell yes.

All the mistakes in the world to land me here. A great boyfriend, a supportive group of friends (completely different than those I set foot in LA with), a home away from home, and the strength to get through anything.

I feel pretty darn good since Europe two years ago. Most of it was downturn, but the final, and surprising upturn towards the end, has to be one of the best payoffs that I think anyone could ever ask for.