Struggling

I feel like I am falling, drifting into a seemingly endless void.  Like my motivation and desire usually does, it comes in spurts, moments in time that I never want to end.  The creativity and momentum that I had has seemed to drain out of my fingertips with no recharge station to be found.  I need an adventure.  A mental break, something to stimulate my mind, prick at my neurons and convince me that I am, in fact, still alive.  I had a great weekend, and I don't know what is causing this feeling of helplessness, and I suppose I should be used to these emotional surges by now do to my constant shift in birth control due to problems with the previous.  I can't tell what normal feels like any more, not that I would ever be happy with normal.  I just wish I had one day where I could feel content, satisfied, not feeling like something was missing.

My love life is perfect.  My cats add great joy and frustration, but always bring something new to my day.  The food recently has been equisite.  But I still feel like there is something missing.  Maybe it's Star Island, maybe it's nature, but whatever it is, I need to find it.  If I lose my way with writing again, I worry I'll never be able to get it back.

The shallow dream

Gets me every time

The beauty of a dream

Bodes the heart and begs the crime

And here it is

Lost and alone

The shallow dream

Empty promises

and I let it lie

Music and Writing

I haven't written anything in a really long time.  Not only is it frustrating, but it's also somewhat disheartening.  I feel like since I can't even write a silly blog, or can't even tweet, or can't even keep up my promise to write three pages of journal entries a day to myself - how am I ever going to finish my novel?  Something I used to do while writing, particularly the story with Anthony, was listen to hardcore music.  Listen to something angry, something angsty... And recently, I just haven't been in the mood to listen to really horrible singers screaming through a microphone while a bass drum is being hit with a dual kicker in the background...

I've been listening to things that make me mellow, things that trip me out.  Things that make me zone.  Which, hey, that would be great if I was working on Jessica's story.  Or that would be great if I was even working on Sophie's - though her music is much more classical and orchestral - but I'm not.  My focus is on Anthony.  And maybe it shouldn't be.  Maybe I'm just not angry enough to write his angsty growing up story anymore.  I mean... I wish I had finished it when I was still having all of those emotions.  Suffering from insurmountable loneliness, home-sickness, and just this deep pit of seemingly endless despair.  But I'm happy now.  Is it possible for me to write emotions while being happy?  Everything that comes out just seems trite and annoying.  Like someone that is trying to connect with their character but just can't.  Is it as simple as listening to hardcore music again?  Would that put me back in touch with my character on a non-superficial level?  I understand his flirtatiousness, I understand his sarcasm - that much I got from myself...  But what about the burning hatred, the frustration over being in love, the insane amount of paranoia that comes with being who he is... And really the egotistical side of him, though I can relate a little bit, I just do not have that fake sense of self-confidence that he convinces everyone, even himself, that he has.

I understand who you are so well, my dear character - but I don't understand what you are feeling anymore.  I don't suffer with you anymore.  How can I write sincerely if I don't feel an emotional connection?